Let Me Give You Some Insight to my Insides.

DEYD. Yes. D-E-Y-D, dead.

BUT STILL ALIVE.

Uhm. Hmm. Dyed my hair red. Got a tattoo. Graduating in two weeks.

That's pretty much it.

So. Instead of writing some deep, profoundly meaningful post, I'll just give you a little insight as to where I am in life based on a soundtrack I made. Now, not all of these songs have to do with me fully. Some have to do with friends, or not-friends, or whatever.
So. Enjoy.

MY LIFE IN GENERAL.





DEAREST GIA.





BLAKE.




FAMILY. (CHRIS SPECIFICALLY ON THE LAST VIDEO)







ASSHOLE. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.



ZACH.
So. That's a pretty bad example of how I feel about you. I'm not still in love with you. I don't want us to be together, because we've hurt each other too much. But I do still care about your happiness, and I hope you find it. I really do wish you well.

Okay. Let's get something straight her, mmkay? I DON'T CARE. Oh my fucking GOD, do you think you're hurting me? Fuck that! I am SO ove ryou, and your self-absorbed ways of taking everyone's downfalls and using them against them. Who the hell do you think you ARE? Do you think I honestly ever cared aboutyou so much that you telling me you fuckd Mandy - a lot - while we were together is really going to hurt me?

Get real.

Youd on't love her. She doesn't love you.

But guess what? While you're out there, fucking your girlfriend's brains out? I am perfectly content staying celibate, because I am SURROUNDED by love. Love that's unconditional. Love that forgives, that adapts, that heals. That doesn't use myself as a weapon against me. That doesn't use MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND as a weapon against me.

So, yes, I take great joy in the fact that you IMed me tonight to apologize. andfor the first time, I could stare at yoru words, and they would have no effect on me. No one could love me? She already does. She always has. you failed at trying t ruin that. No one will ever accept me? Guess fuckin' what. He has, and he's just met me, and he knows, but he's a big enough person to know it's IN MY FUCKIN PAST, YOU PRICK.

So go ahead. Be miserable.
I'm sitting her laughing at your sorry excuse for trying to hurt me. because you have no power over me anymore.

Dear Fragment of a Hope I Thought Was Happiness;

I've forgotten your number. It's an amazing realization. You have't texted me for a week, and you're not in my phone anymore. And I don't remember your number. I went into your e-mail and deleted every e-mail from me, every picture I've ever sent you. I've erased me from your life, because I don't want yours in mine anymore.



Dear Memory of What I Knew of Happiness;

I'm happy for you. I really am. I wish you'd make better choices, and stay out of trouble, but I'm happy for you. That's all I ever wanted for you.


Dear Presence of Continuity in my Life;

I love you. So much more than I can explain, so much more that even I can fathom. And I can't even put into words how much I'm thankful to you, for you. I can't ever think you enough. Ever. But I will let you know every day that I love you, and I will never, ever leave you. Not for anything in the world.

That's all I have to say about that. =]

And there's no school. And I have plans for three today. And all day long, I was looking at the clock, thinking that three o'clock would never comes fast enough. And then I get  a text, like, five minutes ago from Blake, telling me he's on his way.

And now, I have butterflies, and I can't stop laughing and I've been smiling and and and.
Oh, I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.

Who ever knew it could be such a good thing?

Remember me? That lonely girl that didn't fit in anywhere, no matter how hard she tried? That sobbing mess on the hospital bed just two months ago?

I'm back. And I want to thank You for everything You've given me in my life. I've never actually taken the time to appreciate the good things you've given me, and only focused on the bad. You took away my grandmother, but she was the most wonderfu person, who installed in me  a sense of taking life by the horns and riding it. Jack and Mom argue, but it's given me the sense to know how I don't want to end up. You let me spiral out of control, lose my boyfriend, and basically my life. But I had my reality check, and it was amazing.

And then you gave me a second chance. You gave me Allie, who has helped me more than words can say. You brought me to Blake, and he seems to lead me more and more to You everyday.

So thank You, for everything you've given me, even in my times of feep self-loathing.
 

I'm in such a wonderful mood. It's amazing. I haven't been this happy in a very long time.
Everything's going according to plan.

I'm happy. Allie's happy. Everyone's happy....
...Well. Everyone that matters, anyway.

You'll have to forgive me. I'm extremely hyper right now. It's kind of hard to form coherant thoughts and then write them down.

^_^

I get sick when I mix tunafish and orange juice;; I have multiple names, including Elfaba, Gia, Yang, Empress of the World, and -cat;; I dye my hair whenever I get the urge;; I wear sweater dresses because I like the way they fit;; I have purple contact lenses;; I had two button-up work shirts, but now only have one;; I currently have various articles of clothing that aren't mine, including two sweatshirts that I stole from Erica, and the pajama pants I stole back from her after I gave them to her for Christmas;; I have a promise ring that has my birthstone and Erica's birthstone;; I like having a locking cabinet;; "I'm the female version of the hustler";; I work crazy schedules;; I love to sew;; I hate that I make plans with people when I don't mean to;; I recently just rearranged my room because I couldn't sleep;; One of my favorite things to do is drive in the car and sing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs;; My five favorite movies, in no particular order, are Moulin Rouge, Perfume, Hook, The Lost Boys, and WALL-E (okay, not really, but the writer of this forgot the last one and knows that the subject adores Wall-E);; I live on the water;; I have two cats and a dog named Marley;; I've recently become obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas;; I am the Yang of the universe;; I have been made immortal by being written into a book;; my belly button is pierced, and has the habit of catching on things;; I have the habit of texting random lyrics to my best friend (and confusiing the hell out of her =]);; I know that I am loved, and will always be loved, and will always have at least one person that won't turn away from me no matter what;; My favorite and practically only shows are CSI and Eleventh Hour;; On average, I have McDonalds or Taco Bell for dinner at least twice a week - but we've been getting better and bringing sandwhiches for lunch breaks;; I can be extremely cute when I want to be... and am extremely cute when I'm not trying to be;; "I gos sposs.";; I know that panthers DO NOT have spots (*giggles*);; I can be very girly, or very sporty, and anywhere in between;; I often think of songs that remind me of me, my friends, and/or my life;; I'm planning on getting a tattoo of the Yang on my right hip;; I don't necessarily have multiple personalities, just very extreme and unpredictable emotions;; I once wanted to be a spy, after I had already started school to be a doctor;; I cannot stand bugs, but I don't like when someone kills them;; When I'm with certain people, I always have something new to talk about, even after four years;; I used to be in tae kwon do, and used to have such badly bruised shins;; I have a very best friend who loves me much more than anyone ever possibly could.

 

[This is basically an ongoing list]

I don't fit into this family. I might not even fit into this life.

No one wants broken goods. No one wants a girl that's healing no matter how hard she's trying to be okay. My parents don't want somebody that has scars on her body, that's slowing regaining her faith day by day in God. They want someone who's ready and willing to go to church every morning. Someone who doesnt have scars. Someone who's a good role model for her siblings. But I'm not that girl.

No one wants some girl that is just NOW getting over her ex boyfriend. Who is healing. Who is just starting to eat again. Who is getting rid of her scars.

What do you say to the girl who doesn't fit in to her own life?

Maybe.

But not tonight.

- being saved by an alien, in love with a vampire, fooling around with a wereleopard, mourning said vampire lover's death, learning how to hunt animals and use weapons, being shot by a mindreader, being stabbed by a spider, and trying to stop the world from ending at the hands of one evil imaginary friend...

AND

- impregnating a wereleopard, trying to save Emily's innocence, trying to keep Scott away from Emily, destroying the world with fire and ice, and marketing Jolly Ranchers made from candied blood.

Okay, make sense of all that. Go ahead, try.

Give up yet?

Really, I'm not doing any of that. That's all in my head. And on paper. Well, on the internet, anyway. Really, I'm just re-reading the roughly edited copy of Breaching Midnight and planning the sequel, Existence Pending. Well, that and laughing at Allie's comments as she reads the copy of Breaching Midnight that I gave her. She's my co-planner.

Oh, here's your dedication, sweetheart. xD

To my wife of many names:

Thank you for teaching me to inhale, and for sharing your Jolly Ranchers with the world... And demanding that we get ours free.

Forever yours,
A.V. (also known as your wife of many, many names)

 

*giggles* Being an author is just too much fun.
 

So I'm wearing this shirt, and you may have seen some people wear them around before. It says "LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT" across the chest. Mine happens to be blue, with black letters. It's pretty plain, as far as shirts go. So why am i telling you about it?

Allie bought it for me for Christmas. And she was telling me that "To Write Love on Her Arms" is this charity organization that gets the word out and provides help for cutters, anorexics, addicts (etc., etc.) who can't pay for it themselves. The tee-shirts are this fundraiser, where some of the profit from the sales goes to this organization.

I don't know. I just think it's really cool.

How do you say good-bye to someone you've known for most of your cognative life? For the most important years to your development - how do you let go of someone that's become so deeply rooted in your bones?

The only answer I've come to conclude is that you can't.

I spent the past three hours with someone who knows me better than I even know myself. We didn't spend alot of the time talking - we went to go see Valkyrie. But something she said struck a chord - "Maybe it makes it worse, fixating on it."

I won't give you the context, because it isn't relevant. I can tell you, however, that you can probably take this and put it into any context you wish. However, I'm going to give you my context.

Despite the beliefs of many individuals - my teachers, my peers, sometimes my parents, and even a few friends - I am a completely insane person. Insane. Now, there's the myth that if you have the sanity enough to know you're insane, then you are, in fact, sane. Let me tell you that this is completely wrong.

I am insane because I know that I'm insane. How does at even make sense? I'm insane because I know I'm insane - the things I've done to indulge my insanity have hurt the people I love more than I can fathom. But yet, I have still continued to do them. The scars didn't stop when Zach cried, but they should have. The pounds didn't stop dropping when my family said I was getting sickly thin. But they should have. I didn't stop telling lies when they lost me the one boy I could have married - but they really, really should have.

But they've stopped now. And they've stopped for good. I can't really say what made me decide to heal. I could tell you it was that weekend back in November. The horrible wake-up call in that single room. I could tell you that it was losing the guy that caused that visit. But it wasn't. It wasn't the anger in my father's voice when he was diving me to the E.R. It wasn't my mother's tears when she ran her hand over the gauze. It wasn't the week and a half that I spent alone because my lies had caused the most important, non-related person to me to stop talking to me.

It was all of it. I'm not sure why the tears worked this time. Why the anger worked this time. Why the week spent in solitude worked this time. But it did.

So here it goes, for the last, final time.

My name is Erica Morgan. I'm seventeen years old, and I'm a cutter, a smoker, and a girl with an eating disorder. As I've said before, I will always be those things. There will always be an urge to cut when things get too stressful. To stop eating when the numbers on the scale inscrease by .03 pounds. To tell a lie when the truth hurts too much.

I started cutting when I was thirteen years old. Do i know why? Yes. Because of a boy. A stupid boy who wasn't worth my time and who ended up going gay anyway. I was in the eighth grade, and I told my best friend Karen about it. She started cutting too. she used it as a way to seek attention. I used it because I liked having a secret.
And on it went. For any reason I could think of. Sometimes for a lack of an actual reason, and just because I wanted to. I liked the blood. The sight of it. The smell of it. The taste of it. The feeling of it congealing on my skin.

I stopped eating around the same time. I was a big girl. 5'8", 180 pounds. Acne-covered face. Not a very sightly girl. So I started throwing my lunch away. I eventually just stopped taking one.
I started dating Zach my freshman year. Four months in, I told him that I was bulemic. I told him that I was a cutter. I told him that I would stop. The cutting I couldn't hide. The eating got harder to hide. he'd see my ribs. my hip-bones. But I wanted to be beautiful for him. how could I believe that I was beautiful to him when I was such a monster to myself? So it spiraled. And spiraled. One week during the summer, it got so bad that I lost ten pounds in five days, from not eating and then throwing up anyway.
Not pretty.

The lies. Oh dear, Lord, the lies. There's too many to list. Too many non-reasons. Too many fabrications, I have to wonderhow I could keep them straight while I was telling them.

But it's done now. It's too late to save my "marriage" to the boy who now calls me a problem child. If it hadn't been for a big lie, my best friend wouldn't have a reason to doubt me.

But I'm on the road to recovery. I have the girl that loves me unconditionally. She's trying her hardest, and I'm doing all i can not to give her a reason to doubt me anymore. All chapters of that life are closed. No more cutting. No more not eating. No more throwing up. No more Skye, no more sneaking. No more.

And it's all for the one person who I managed to save my relationship with. It's all for my family, who i can't see cry anymore. It's all for my future children, so I don't have to explain the scars on mommy's legs. Why there are words on mommy's skin. It's all for my brother and my sister, who both need a strong, stable example. It's all for my parents, who don't need to worry anymore than they have to. It's all for Zach, because even if he can't see it, he deserves to know that it wasn't his fault, what I was doing. It was mine.
It's all for Allie, whose pain I cannot stand to see everytime she looks at my scars. Whose doubt I cannot face when I tell her who's texting me. Whose love means more to me than anything else in the world right now.
But most of all, it's all for me, because I cannot stand the person that I've become.

So how do you let go of someone you've known most of your life? You don't, because it will always stay a part of you. But it doesn't have to be the dominant part. I've come to realize that. It's just another chapter in my very long autobiography. Except this time, once I'm done reading it, I won't look back. I won't edit it. I will leave it as it is, that rough, hardley constructed chapter of my life. I can't say good-bye, because it's formed me into the healing person I am. It will help me be a stronger person in the future.

But I don't have to fixate on it.

So this is the last blog I will write about my insanities. Because as of tonight, I'm letting them slip into the farthest, dustiest corners of my memories.

Tonight, I'm not saying good-bye to Erica Morgan, the seventeen-year-old cutting, smoking, lying anorexic.

Tonight, I'm saying hello. I'm saying hello to a new chapter in my life. One full of love, of trust, and honesty. Of a clean slate, of clear skin. Of healthy diets and regulated work-outs. To counseling. To friends To family. To support.

Tonight, I'm saying hello to Erica Morgan, the seventeen-year-old who will no longer fixate on being insane. I'm saying hello to Erica Morgan, the seventeen-year-old on her way to a healthy life.

First of all, Erica wants to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.
She's having the time of her life, writing this entry from her brand spankin' new laptop, compliments of her wonderful parents. =)
Christmas still isn't over. It's roughly 12:30, and I'm waiting for mom to come get me so that we can go see her parents. Then we're all going back to her house and open presents from her and my step-dad.
AND THEN. Allie's coming over. Rather, we're probably going out. To either go ice skating or to see Yes Man. I can't wait to see her. Besides my family, she's the one person I could spend Christmas with for the rest of my life, and be entirely happy.

I've been in such a good mood lately. I've lost some, gained some, but you know what? It's made me a better person. The things I lost, I fought for. I begged for. I asked my parents to allow for. And it was all for nothing, apparently. And that's just fine. I need someone who doesn't love me just when they can see me. Or just when I'm healthy or happy. I need someone who loves me no matter where I am, no matter how I am.

I need someone just like the someone I have, and I will never let myself lose her again.
Yin and Yang. The entire world.

Anyway.
The Christmas Story is probably on every channel until midnight today. Actually, probably all day tomorrow tomorrow.
Merry Christmas, everyone, and a very Happy new Year!

that's right BITCH. 

( Don't worry. This one's familiar. )

 

So.
In the author's life.
Breaching Midnight is officially complete. Writing wise. that bitch still needs to be edited like crazy.
Currently working on 'Tenebra', whose synopsis you can find on the little link... two entries ago.

Comissioned Max to make a song for it. Way me. I'm so official now.



 

You aren't the same person I fell in love with. I don't even know who you are. Some 18-year-old who thinks it's okay to go get drunk at your friend's house until four in the morning? AND THEN DRIVE HOME.
Whatever. Idiot.

I just want to know. If you were really so unhappy when you were with me, why did you stick around for almost three years? seems pretty senseless to me.

Anyway. In the world of Erica.

Still recovering. Emotionally, anyway. Doctors. Not fun. Two days out of school. Field trip to Walter's Art Museum on Wednesday. Thursday, Friday, school.

WEEKEND. Relatively uneventful.

Monday. Did nothing. Allie called for the first time in a week.
Tuesday. Counseling, work.
Wednesday. Allie came over. We ate McDonald's in my room and gushed like the girls we are.
Thursday. Thanksgiving; started at dad's. Drove to Grandmom's, drove home, mom picked me up. Went to Mom's. Obviously. Allie comes over. We pick up Jeremy and Roland and go see Twilight.
Fucking. Awesome. Movie.
Period.
Today. Relatively uneventful. Currently on the phone with Allie. Trying to figure out plans for the afternoon.

For any of you interested in my latest project (which has more than two chapters, so it's technically a book now), you can find details at the following links.

escritorsiempre.deviantart.com Here, you can find the physical appearance of a few of the characters, including Andy, Scott, Gia, and Az.

www.fictionpress.com/~akoirdefying By going here and clicking on 'Breaching Midnight' (c'mon, people, I know you're smart.), you can read whatever current chapters I have online.

akoirdefying.webs.com/ by going here, you can read details about the author - whatever you may or may not know - an exceprt from the novel, pictures of mentionied cars, and a few other details.

So there you go. I feel official now.